PPD Poem part 1

Fear surrounds me as I hold this baby in my arms. How can I be everything she needs? God are you sure I'm who she wants? How can I prepare her for the world ahead? I'm chickening out, I'm a coward. Instead of all this I'd rather be dead. I never think like this; this is not me. I'm usually a positive person who is bubbly and smiles even when I'm hurting inside. But this monster called PPD I can't hold in. Oh My Gosh what has happened to me? Maybe I'm tired and just need a little rest, but Lord I gotta get over this cause I know "I'm too blessed to be stressed". This day passes than another one comes; they keep coming and these feeling won't leave. Lord help me!!! I know their must be something really wrong. All mothers can't feel this way and especially not me -No HaHaHa. It can't be that stupid PPD, I was not even a candidate per my doctors. I'm too smart, organized and to well put together. Plus, I did the right way. I read every book, I went to every appointment and took every class. This can't be happening to in- control Shannon. Who would've thought that I'd really be suffering from PPD? If  you asked anyone you sure as heck wouldn't have gotten an yes from me. The silent deadly mommy mood stealer. 

So.... I was sitting and crying because I have so much to do but it does not seem like there is always enough time to do it or that the situations or the events that occur during my day are pointing to my day ending anywhere near what I wanted or expected. This reminds me of my days with PPD. Everyday I was overwhelmed with the thought of doing everything for everyone else that I neglected ME. Being a parent is hard even when you are not suffering from PPd. And regardless of what people tell you- YOU have to take time for yourself. Even if that time alone means sitting in the bathroom alone for 5 minutes or drinking a glass of wine and reading a book for all of 10 minutes. Take time for you.

I realized today that I was so caught up in chasing behind Daijah that I neglected to do the fundamental things I needed to keep me well rounded and happy. So after putting Daijah to sleep which is a struggle more than it appears easy lol, I decided to take me time and exhale. Every mom needs time to exhale and let no one let you feel ashamed of taking this time. BREATHE!!!!or Cry!!!! Whichever gives you relief.

The Dark Feeling of PPD

When I had PPD there were days where I felt dark, alone and like I would never be myself again. I wanted PPD to end but the ending was not coming soon enough. With PPD I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and I couldn't even do the things normal people did from day to day to function. I was a complete mess and I felt like no one around me understood my problems or my pain. People would says things like “it will be over soon" (this was a lie), and some people even tried to pray it away. I am a very spiritual and God fearing person and I felt that this was something I had to bare. Immediately prayer would not change everything and I would not soon get over it. My PPD lasted me about 2 years and it took prayer, medication, love and therapy to get through it.

I believe that one of the hardest steps with PPD is admitting you need help and being willing to accept the help that is given to you. Once this is done I feel you are well on your way to becoming the YOU that you know and recognize. No one wants to feel helpless but PPD makes you feel this way and you have to get help for the betterment of yourself, your adorable new child and your family. Just as much as you want to see yourself get better so do they.

PPD is very serious and without care can turn into a continuous nightmare not that it already isn’t the worst thing any mother can imagine going through. But I got through it because I wanted to get better and I knew I help to aide in the process and I couldn’t just wait for this monster to go away.

Get help and get it now, was the best advice anyone could have given me!!!

Real Journal Entry from 2008

Excerpt from my journal on June 5, 2008


I thought my bad thoughts were gone. I thought I was in the clear. How did I know I’d feel this low again? What was going on in my head? I know I didn’t want to take my life but I just wanted this anxiety to go away. How could I make this happen? I figured I would take a couple of my anxiety pills to make sure it was gone for sure.

It didn’t take long for the pills to work. It was almost instant. I took one 1mg and four .5 mg totaling 3mg. But earlier I also took two 4 mg which was double my recommended dose of ativan in my system. So a total within 9 hours of about 7 mg. Not Smart!!!

After hearing from others that the decision I made was not smart. I stopped to really think what was behind my anxiety….I wasn’t ready to go back to work and I believe I went back before I was truly emotionally and physically ready, But what was I to do? The finances I saved were slowly depleting and the bills kept coming. Money had to be used for this very expensive formula. This was a unexpected expense because I expected to breast feed- no matter what (Will discuss in a later post); But of course postpartum changed that too. I needed meds for this PPD and I wasn’t passing them through tin t baby.

But wait wasn’t there supposed to be more money saved? What had my spouse did with the money he supposedly saved up? Now I knew I was really depressed and I couldn’t handle even being around myself let alone being a mother.

How would I handle this? How would we all (him, Daijah and I) handle this? Stress + more Stress+ more Stress= Unbalanced Mommy 

Shannon


Note:
**********Postpartum Depression is a very emotional disease that gives your body a bad chemical imbalance that you want to fix. However you must seek help and follow your doctor’s directions. Even though this situation ended up with me being out of it for about a day or two it could have really been worst. God was truly with me through this whole experience because as you will see in later posting a lot more happened. ******

Love Forever Always,

Shannon

I'm a survivor

This blog has been on my to do list for some time now. Since my conquer with postpatum depression and even during my treatment, I knew that I wanted to help others. Postpartum depression is a very serious disease/illness that does not get enough recognition. The media only decides to post or publish a story after a serious/tragic event or death has occurred. But who will help us before this happens? 

Postpartum Depression has multiple levels; and more than half of the women whom suffer don't want to kill themselves nor their children. Surprising right? But this is still very serious due to the many symptoms that can lead to tragedy, death and family separation. 

This list includes: (courtesy of Web MD)

• Inability to sleep or sleeping more than normal  
• Change in appetite  
• Extreme concern and worry about the baby or a lack of interest or feelings for the baby  
• Feeling unable to love the baby or your family  
• Anger toward the baby, your partner, or other family members  
• Anxiety or panic attacks  
• Fear of harming your baby; these thoughts may be obsessive, and you may be afraid to be left alone in the house with your baby.  
• Irritability  
• Sadness or excessive crying  
• Difficulty concentrating or remembering  
• Feelings of doubt, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, or restlessness  
• Lethargy or extreme fatigue  
• Loss of interest in hobbies or other usual activities  
• Mood swings marked by exaggerated highs and lows  
• Feeling emotionally numb  
• Numbness or tingling in your arms or legs  
• Hyperventilating  
• Frequent calls to the pediatrician with an inability to be reassured  
• Recurrent thoughts of death, which may include thinking about or even planning suicide  
• Obsessive-compulsive thoughts and behaviors that are intrusive

 Serious still!! However, even what the media considers as not so serious cases, are still very serious because they effect the lives of mothers, fathers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers and friends.  Women like myself still suffer a lot from this emotional and physically draining illness. This illness should be taken seriously, because it could make a difference between life and death. 

In this blog, I plan to not only reveal some my most intimate and traumatic exeriences and memories with PPD but I also plan to discuss the other things in my life that were and still are effected by my struggle with PPD. Some of these things include relationship troubles, health problems, self esteem building, guilt, feeling lost and alone and much more.

This blog will include postings from not only myself, but also from some of my very memorable friends as well as other suffers and survivors I have met along my journey through the dark cloud of PPD.

I truly hope that you stick around to learn more about my true journey through PPD and life after.

Forever Always,
Shannon