Excerpt from my journal on June 5, 2008
I thought my bad thoughts were gone. I thought I was in the clear. How did I know I’d feel this low again? What was going on in my head? I know I didn’t want to take my life but I just wanted this anxiety to go away. How could I make this happen? I figured I would take a couple of my anxiety pills to make sure it was gone for sure.
It didn’t take long for the pills to work. It was almost instant. I took one 1mg and four .5 mg totaling 3mg. But earlier I also took two 4 mg which was double my recommended dose of ativan in my system. So a total within 9 hours of about 7 mg. Not Smart!!!
After hearing from others that the decision I made was not smart. I stopped to really think what was behind my anxiety….I wasn’t ready to go back to work and I believe I went back before I was truly emotionally and physically ready, But what was I to do? The finances I saved were slowly depleting and the bills kept coming. Money had to be used for this very expensive formula. This was a unexpected expense because I expected to breast feed- no matter what (Will discuss in a later post); But of course postpartum changed that too. I needed meds for this PPD and I wasn’t passing them through tin t baby.
But wait wasn’t there supposed to be more money saved? What had my spouse did with the money he supposedly saved up? Now I knew I was really depressed and I couldn’t handle even being around myself let alone being a mother.
How would I handle this? How would we all (him, Daijah and I) handle this? Stress + more Stress+ more Stress= Unbalanced Mommy
Shannon
Note:
**********Postpartum Depression is a very emotional disease that gives your body a bad chemical imbalance that you want to fix. However you must seek help and follow your doctor’s directions. Even though this situation ended up with me being out of it for about a day or two it could have really been worst. God was truly with me through this whole experience because as you will see in later posting a lot more happened. ******
Love Forever Always,
Shannon
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